


My FamILY

by imthederpyfox



Series: Sanders sides [25]
Category: My Family, Sanders Sides
Genre: AU, Arguing, Comedy, Coming Out, Deal With It, F/M, FOR THIS STORY, Family Rivalry, Fluff, Funny, Gay, Genderfluid Character, Humour, M/M, Parody, Sanders Sides - Freeform, Strange AU, Weird, because its a comedy, but it fits, but no nsfw because that aint me queen, if it fits its a parody, my family - Freeform, not so much angst, oh yeah, pattons gonna be female, reference to sexy times, sanders sides parody, spouse rivalry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:46:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24166822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imthederpyfox/pseuds/imthederpyfox
Summary: Sanders Sides Parody for the UK show 'My Family', a great older show that it extremely funny and I miss it.Logan, a dentist, has a strange family. His husband Patton, sons Remus and Virgil, and gender fluid child Roman make his life... interesting to say the least. Join the antics of the family as they go through the usual growing up all families have to do, with plenty of hi-jinks, arguments and fun.- I suck at synopsis, so have fun! It's gonna be a funny one, and I recommend watching the show!
Relationships: Logicality, More to be added - Relationship
Series: Sanders sides [25]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/874935
Kudos: 6





	My FamILY

**Author's Note:**

> This is gonna be different style since it'll be a parody of a speech based show, so just keep that in mind. Also hardly any angst because it is a comedy. Enjoy!
> 
> So, Patton is female for this story, and Roman was born female, but is gender-fluid with male pronouns! (though his family and most people still call him she/her because they don't really know fully?) Hopefully it won't get confusing...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A weird one, very different to my usual stuff, but I think the characters fit well, even though I changed them from my original plans~
> 
> This one's just for fun, after all, so hope you enjoy!

Patton placed a plate down in front of her middle child, Roman. "Toast. Roman, what have I told you about painting nails at the table?" She asked, hands on hips.   
"I wasn't listening." Roman answered, admiring his handy work.   
"Mum, where are my football boots?" Virgil, the youngest asked, walking into the room.   
Patton turned to him. "Where were they when you last had them?"  
"On my feet." He told her bluntly. 

"So wise so young, they say, do not live long." Patton told him, and he followed her.   
"What?"  
"I am not your slave." Patton reminded the young boy, walking over to the doorway of the kitchen. "Remus! Breakfast!" She shouted, Virgil still following her, as Logan walked into the room. He froze when Patton's yell went directly into his ear. 

"Congratulations, you've woken up every Remus in the world." He told her.   
"Except one." Patton huffed.   
Logan walked over to Roman. "Ah, purple? That's nice." He told him, and he raised a brow. "Gives you that 'fingers slammed in the car door' look."

"Mazda or BMW?" Roman joked, admiring his work once again.   
"Off!" Patton told him, grabbing the nail polish.   
Roman simply smirked, waving his hands around to dry the paint. "Hi, Remus." He greeted his older bother as he walked into the room.   
"Erm... Hi, Roman." He mimicked the hand gestures, and Roman rolled his eyes. Remus turned when Logan began walking over again. "Dad-"  
"No." Logan told him instantly. 

"What?"  
"I expect your next question begins with 'can I have'."  
Remus sat down. "Wrong, it begins with 'can you lend'."   
"Funny, they both end with 'no'." Logan told him, sitting down with his coffee. 

Remus lent forward. "I just want to borrow your laptop." He explained, and Logan looked up.   
"I gave you the old laptop." He reminded the boy.   
"It doesn't work."   
Logan took a sip of his coffee. "Nor do you, you're compatible."

Remus frowned. "Why do you always give me broken things?"  
"You always break them."  
"I didn't break it," Remus told him, sitting back and giving a slight shrug. "It just got a little damp."  
"Remus, portable does not mean submergible." Logan told him. 

"Didn't say that in the instructions." Remus pouted. Logan stared at him for a moment.  
"You didn't read the instructions." Patton reminded him.   
"Well, I didn't want to get the pages wet." Remus grinned his goofy grin.   
Logan looked between his son and wife. "I think I'm gonna quit, while I'm ahead." He pushed himself up from the table.   
  
"Shall I book the restaurant before or after the film?" Patton asked before he could leave the room.   
Logan paused. "Wait-what? You didn't tell me we had plans tonight?"  
Patton frowned. "I left a note on the fridge, I told Brigitte to put it in the appointment book, and I wrote it in lipstick on the bathroom mirror."  
"I need more than hints, Patton." Logan told her plainly.   
"I hope my next husband has your sense of humour." Patton remarked, sipping her coffee. 

Logan sighed. "Mr Uniworth broke a tooth, he can only come in this evening after work." He explained. "Why don't we go out tomorrow night?"  
"All right." Patton agreed.   
Logan nodded a little, before pausing. "Excuse me?"  
"I said all right." Patton shrugged.   
"Stop it, Patton, stop laying the guilt trip on me, OK?" Logan shook his head. "If I let Uniworth down again, he'll go somewhere else."

Patton looked at her husband. "All I said was 'all right'."  
"There you go again, you see, you can't stop it, can you? It's just guilt, guilt, guilt. It's unbearable." He shook his head, sitting back down at the table. "I mean, you know, you must be really upset."  
"Logan, I understand!" Patton told him again. "I am not upset."  
Virgil walked back into the room. "Mum! Football boots!"

"Didn't you hear me? Take some responsibility for yourself!" Patton told him again.  
Logan looked to the two. "Why are you angry with him and not with me?"  
Patton sighed. "Because with him there's still a point."  
"Oh, right! Good, good." Logan nodded, he stood and wrapped an arm around Virgil's shoulders. Virgil simply frowned. "Good luck, Virgil."  
"Mum, you're too good for him." Remus told Patton, who shrugged.  
"I know." She nodded. "And you still can't borrow the laptop."

"Et tu, Mum?" He shook his head, and she sat down next to him.   
She sipped her coffee. "Look, if you really need a computer, you can borrow Virgil's."  
"...'Cos it's sort of personal." Remus grinned.   
Patton sighed. "You're not chatting up girls on the internet again?"  
  
That peeked Logan's interest, and he walked back over. "What do you mean again? You've done this kind of thing before?"  
"Yeah, and it worked really well." Remus answered, grinning. "Talia, her name was. 19-year-old cellist from Prague. We had a rewarding e-relationship going."  
"Until 'Talia' turned out to be a 48-year-old gas fitter called Stuart from Sunderland." Patton corrected.   
Remus frowned defensive. "All right, so he was a man... Meant a lot to me while it lasted." He shrugged. 

"You know parents say they'll love you no matter what?" Logan asked him, picking up the morning paper and Remus nodded. "They're lying."  
Patton smirked before turning back to her son. "Listen, Remus, I don't think it's a good idea, you might end up with a stalker."  
"I'm getting one just thinking about it." Remus grinned, and Patton rolled her eyes, putting the cup down and standing up. "Look at it this way, Mum. Say I did meet the right girl. We might get married, her dad might offer me a job in the family firm which would mean I'd move out-" He said the last part loud so his dad could hear.   
"The laptop's in the living room desk, top drawer!" Logan replied quickly, and Remus offered his mum a thumbs up. 

\------------

"Right, no school today?" Logan asked Roman as he walked into the room.   
Roman was sat on the couch, filing his now painted nails. "I've got the dentist."  
Logan nodded. "Oh, great." He paused for a second as he was about to put on his coat to go out. "What do you mean? Wait a minute, I'm the dentist! I can't remember booking you in unless the prospect was so awful I screened you out..." He frowned, and Roman rolled his eyes.   
"I booked her into another dentist." Patton explained as she walked in, tidying up. 

"You did what?" Logan asked, shocked his wife would do such a thing.   
Patton rolled her eyes. "Roman's had an appointment with you for six months now and you keep fobbing her off."  
Logan frowned. "I do not keep fobbing her off, I've been fobbing her _forward_."  
"Fine. But if we wait that long, she'll be able to take her teeth out and post them to you." Patton told him. 

"Patton, paying patients come first."   
"That's _right_." Patton shook her head. "Family always come second." She walked away from him.   
Logan nodded. "Against TV, golf and football that's not bad going." He shrugged, putting his jacket on. "Where did you find this dentist on a card in a phone box?"  
"Yellow Pages."   
"Oh, Yellow Pages!" Logan huffed. "They don't just take _anyone_ in Yellow Pages."

Roman rolled his eyes. "Calm down, Dad, one dentist is pretty much the same as another."  
"They most certainly are not!" He shouted, coming over to the two of them as they sat on the couch. Roman smirked.   
"No, you're right. Some dentists aren't rude, grumpy and think an effective painkiller is shouting; 'shut up'."  
Logan frowned. "It is effective." He sighed. "It makes _me_ feel better."   
Patton and Roman shared a look of amusement as Logan left. 

\------------

"Another dentist! Have you ever heard anything so disloyal?" Logan asked his assistant.   
"I think it's a disgrace." She replied.   
He nodded. "Thank you. At last someone sees it my way."  
She frowned. "No, it's a disgrace you can't make time for your children! It's like the story of the cobbler's children, who had no food." She shook her head.

Logan furrowed his brows. "No, it's the story of the cobbler's children who had no _shoes_."  
"That makes no sense, their dad was a cobbler." The assistant nodded, a blank look on her face similar to his oldest son's.   
"Let me tell you the story of the dental assistant who had no job." He put his mask back up.   
She smiled. "OK, how does that one go?"

\------------

"The problem with chatting to a girl on the internet is they miss out on the full Remus Thorn experience." Remus shook his head and Roman scoffed as he looked in the mirror, fixing his lip gloss. "The piercing blue eyes, the easy smile."  
"The smell?" Roman smirked.   
Remus nodded. "Yeah, all the intangibles. It's tricky."  
"You know what really impresses a girl, Rem? Is when a boy takes an interest in their clothes." Roman explained. He had lived as a girl for most of his life after all.   
Remus grinned. "Great, thanks!"

"Why not ask her what colour her knickers are?" Roman smirked, turning back to the mirror to look over his teeth. "My teeth look wonderful." He grinned.   
"They're yellow."   
Roman glared at him. "No, they're pearlescent."  
"No, Isabelle's knickers." Remus answered simply, and Roman walked over.   
"She told you? What a slag!" He sat on the sofa arm next to his brother.

Remus laughed. "Yeah!"  
"Sure it's not Stuart from Sunderland back for another pop?" Roman grinned, only half-joking.  
"No, no, cuz she told me! She's French, she's called Isabelle, she's a swimwear model and her father is chairman of a major electronics business." Remus grinned, nodding in approval.   
Roman raised a brow. "Does the phrase 'pull the other one' mean anything to you?"  
"Oh, you think she's got a sister?" Remus asked, a grin coming over him, and Roman rolled his eyes. Sometimes he really worried for his older brother. 

\------------

Patton stood in the kitchen, mixing up something for dinner. She looked at the recipe, pausing for a second and looking down at the mix, before looking back to the recipe. She tasted some from the spoon and dropped it back down, ripping the page from the book and scrunching it up before throwing it over her shoulder and continuing to mix.   
She glanced up and double-took what she'd just seen, as Virgil began walking through the kitchen with a cage.   
"Helloooo?" She followed him.   
He nodded. "Hello."  
"What is that?" She motioned to the cage. 

Virgil simply raised a brow. "It's a rabbit." He answered bluntly, and Patton rolled her eyes.   
"I can see it's a rabbit but what is it?" She asked.   
"Well, I wanted a rabbit, so I bought a rabbit." He told her.   
She stared at her son. "But you didn't ask our permission."  
  
He shrugged. "Well, I'm rebelling."  
"A rebel with a rabbit."  
"You told me to take more responsibility." Virgil reminded her, folding his arms. Way too snarky for an eleven year old.   
Patton frowned. "I say a lot of things. I told your father he looked good in a tank top."  
"Well, this a symbol of my independence." Virgil explained. 

"That's nice, dear." Patton nodded. "Take it back to the shop." Roman walked in, seeing the rabbit and walking over to it, stroking it through the bars.   
"If you make me take it back, I'll never believe you again. I'll become aimless and remote, my schoolwork _will_ suffer." Virgil told her, folding his arms.   
Roman smirked. "He'll become another Remus."  
Patton stared at her kids before looking back to the rabbit. "Welcome to your new home!" She greeted it. "Keep it away from the food."  
Virgil grinned.  
"Yeah." Roman agreed, smirking. "We don't want to kill it on its first day." And Virgil laughed. 

\-----------

"Roman, stop admiring your teeth and eat something." Patton told Roman as she noticed him holding a mirror up.   
Roman smiled. "Mel says you've got to love yourself before others can love you."  
"Well, keep trying." Remus told him.  
Virgil poked at his food. "What is this?"  
"Toad in the hole." Patton told him, smiling. "But we don't have any sausages."

The kids all stared at her for a moment. "So it's just hole?" Roman asked, looking at the food.   
"It's not just hole, it's French. It's toad en vacances." Patton grinned.   
"Hello." Logan greeted them as he walked in.  
Patton nodded. "Good evening." She stood and shook his hand. "Nice to meet you. My name is Patton Thorn, and these are your children, Roman, Remus and Virgil." She motioned to the table. 

"Hello!" They all gave him a lacklustre greeting.   
Logan sighed. "All right, all right, I'm late but it's the only time some of these people can come in." He frowned as Patton sat back down. "And don't ask me what sort of day I've had!" When he was received with silence he continued. "OK, I'll tell you anyway. In a word, bloody awful."  
"That's two words." Remus corrected him.   
Logan glared at him. "And I've got another two words for you." He looked to Patton. "Do I get dinner?"  
"That's four words." Remus told him. 

"It's in the kitchen." Patton told her husband.   
Logan huffed. "Oh, it's in the kitchen. Any specific location?" He walked round the island.   
"On the counter."  
"Ah..." He paused, seeing the rabbit in its cage. "I think it needs to go in for a bit longer."

"Roman, what are you doing?" Patton asked as he watched her son puffing air into his cheeks as he drank.   
"Mel says water should be savoured like a fine wine." Roman smiled.   
Remus looked up in confusion "Who is Mel, anyway? And how come she's suddenly the font of all girlie wisdom?"  
"Mel is a he." Roman smiled down at his nails. 

Remus chuckled. "Ah, a he!"  
"How lovely. You can bring your new friend round for tea," Logan walked back over having found the real food. "and, if he's anything like the last one, he can bring his probation officer."  
"It's not like that. It's Mel - Mel Fraser, my dentist." Roman explained.   
"Oh, yes. Mr Dial-A-Dentist. Mr Fillings In A Jiffy And A Free Travel Clock On Your Third Visit." He huffed.   
  
Roman rolled his yes. "Dad, he's cool. He's got an earring."  
"Oh, an earring?" Logan nodded sarcastically. "That's some marvellous qualifications! In dentistry that's the equivalent of an OBE."  
"And he's from Australia."  
Logan scoffed. "Oh, he's an Australian? That completely revises my opinion of him, how could I be so blinkered?"  
  
"You're just jealous."  
"Jealous? Why, why should I be jealous?"  
Roman smirked. "Because you see dentistry as a dark and horrible wasteland whereas Mel sees dentistry as a calling, filled with life, joy and hope." He smiled, walking out of the room.   
"He's obviously doing it wrong!" Logan shouted after him. 

\------------

"Let it go." Patton told her husband. She was trying to read, and Logan's constant throwing of a ball from one hand to the other was irritating her.   
"I... I can't." Logan frowned.   
Patton sighed. "What exactly is it that's bothering you?"  
"She's my little girl."   
  
"So now she's your little girl!" Patton smirked. "Wasn't it yesterday she was that 'airheaded shopping machine from hell'?"  
"I can't help being multilayered." Logan shrugged.   
Patton shook her head. "Aren't you overreacting? She's had crushes before."  
"This is a _dentist_." Logan reminded her.   
"It's still a schoolgirl crush."   
"Yes, but who knows where it could lead..."

"Oh, Logan." Patton rolled her eyes.   
Logan shook his head. "She's brushing so hard she could damage her epithelial cuff."   
Patton smirked, looking back to him. "Are you sure?"  
"I'm a professional."

Patton sighed. "Look, if you feel so strongly about it, why don't you talk to _her_?" Logan looked to her. "Sit her down, father to daughter, and explain how you feel."  
"You're right, I'm overreacting." Logan quickly answered, putting the ball down and laying down.  
"Well, things will look different in the morning."  
"Yeah. Usually worse." He sighed, turning his light off. "Good night."

Patton watched her husband for a moment, fiddling with her book. "You know, I-I read somewhere that the older you get, the less sleep you need." They both looked to each other.   
"Really? What are you supposed to do with all that extra time?" Logan asked, and Patton smirked.  
She slid up next to him and kissed his cheek. "I've got a few ideas."   
Logan smirked as well now. "Well, I'm always open to ideas."  
"That's not true," Patton reminded him. "but I'm not going to argue."  
  
They kissed, and after a moment Logan pulled back, looking worried. "Oh, my God."  
"What's wrong?" Patton asked, confused.   
"That molar, upper right five."  
"What about it?" Patton asked, sitting back and trying to act casual.  
Logan stared at her. "You've had the cracked filling repaired."

"Have I?" Patton looked away, picking her book back up.   
"The tongue never lies, Patton." Logan frowned. "Let me have a look. Open up." He grabbed her face, tilting it back.   
Patton tried to move away as her husband grabbed a flashlight to look in her mouth. "No, what are you doing?" She slapped his hand away. "What do you think I am, a horse?!" but after she lay back and opened her mouth. "My god."   
"I don't believe it! That is _not_ my handiwork!" He gasped, standing up. "Oh, my God! Oh, my God, anything but that! You've been seeing another dentist!"

"Of course I have! I told you a dozen times about that filling and you never did anything about it!" Patton argued.   
"I was busy!"  
"I have needs, Logan!"  
Logan frowned. "I turn my back for one moment and you sneak off to see someone else. You couldn't wait, could you?"

"Oh, come on, Lo..." She sighed. "It was one time."  
Logan shook his head. "Yeah, yeah, this is where it starts, isn't it, Patton?"  
"It didn't mean anything."  
"It didn't mean anything?" Logan scoffed. "What was he like?"  
Patton looked taken back. "Excuse me?"

"Was he good?" Logan asked again.   
Patton shrugged a little, looking down at the sheets. "He was all right."  
"What, better than me?"  
"Different." Another shrug. 

Logan ran a hand through his hair. "What was different? Was it his technique? Or his equipment?"  
"Well... he did take a lot more time than you." Patton sighed.   
"...We are still talking dentistry, aren't we?" Logan asked.   
"Of course we are!" Patton told him sternly.   
  
Logan shook his head. "Patton, how could you? My own wife and Surfing Mel..." He walked to the door.   
"Where are you going?" Patton called after him.   
"I just..." Logan shook his head. "can't look at you at the moment." And he left the room. 

\------------

"I mean, you can see why I'm so hurt, can't you?" Logan asked, laying down on the sofa. "Sure, I'm a husband and a father but above all, I'm a dentist. A family dentist. That's what I do. That's what I am. And if my family can't respect me as a husband or a father then surely they can respect me as a family dentist, otherwise... what's the point of me?" He looked down to the rabbit he was stroking. "Hm? No point. Chuck-a-chuck-a-chuck." He drank the rest of his whiskey. "Hey, fancy another? Come on, let your fur down, yeah?" He held a carrot out for the rabbit, who just sat there. "You know, we're quite alike, me and you. Yeah. I mean..." He took a bite of the carrot, and looked from the food to the whiskey. "No, I mean, we're different backgrounds... Me a professional man with a family and a home, you a bunny rabbit with long floppy ears and a twitchy nose but... we're quite alike." He put the carrot and the drink down, picking the bunny up to put him back in the cage. "You know why?" He closed the little door. "Because we both live in cages. That's right. Except you can't see the bars in mine." He paused for a second, putting the whiskey down. "Oh, yes, I think I've had enough."

\------------

Virgil shook his head, turning away from the bunny. "It's funny. Hannibal's looking really tired this morning." He made his way over to where his dad was sitting at the table, folding his arms as he sat down. "Like someone kept him up all night." He raised a brow to his father.   
"Really? How strange." Logan feigned ignorance. He paused, looking down at his cereal. "Has that rabbit been in its cage all morning?"  
"They're just raisins." Virgil told him.   
Logan sighed. "Oh, yeah?" He put a spoonful of the cereal in his mouth and Virgil grinned.   
"I think." He stood back up as Remus walked in, heading back over to his rabbit. 

"Morning, Virgil. Morning, Dad." Remus greeted, always chipper. "Just been chatting to Isabelle. Really getting on, we've got so much in common."  
Logan nodded. "Yeah? Well, you both stand up to pee." He returned to eating his cereal.   
Remus sighed. "Look, Dad, she is not a man."  
"Mm-hm?" Logan nodded at his son, seeing he was holding something.   
"Look... she emailed me this photo, yeah?" He grinned his usual goofy grin and looked to the door as Roman walked in. He made the same hand movement as yesterday when Roman was painting his nails. "All right, Roman?"

"Who is that?" Roman asked, seeing the picture.   
"It's Isabelle."  
"It looks nothing like a gas fitter." Logan commented.   
Remus shook his head. "No, Dad - Isabelle. French, fabulous, female."  
"Fraud!" Roman walked back over, holding a magazine and pointing to a picture. "Look, last month's copy of Vogue, your picture of Isabelle. Notice any resemblance?"  
Remus shrugged. "So? She's a model who happens to appear in Vogue." He grinned and the other two shook their heads. 

"Let it go, Remus. The word trust isn't in their vocabulary." Virgil spoke up, sitting with Hannibal on his lap and stroking him.  
Logan looked to his son. "Virgil, can you put that rabbit away, please? You're giving me the creeps. You look like a Bond villain."  
Virgil frowned, continuing to slowly pet the rabbit while the others watched him.   
"Have you noticed anything strange about that rabbit?" Remus asked as they watched.   
Logan nodded. "Yes, it's been here two days and hasn't asked me for money yet."

Remus shook his head, not taking his eyes off of the bunny. "No. No, I swear he looks at me funny."  
"You should be used to that by now." Roman ruffled his hair before walking off to make himself breakfast.   
"I think it's evil." Remus continued, turning to face his dad.   
Patton walked in. "Your father's not evil, dear." She smiled. "A bit pig-headed perhaps." She continued walking into the main kitchen area. "Roman, are you seeing Mel again tomorrow?"  
"Yeah." Roman grinned. "I never thought I'd enjoy going to the dentist so much. Mel makes my gums feel so alive!"  
Logan rolled his eyes. "Oh, my God, my daughter's turning into Julie Andrews..." He looked to his son. "Remus, would you be so disloyal as to see another dentist?"

"Absolutely not." Remus shook his head. "I'd never visit a dentist."  
Logan sighed. "Of course. Virgil, you wouldn't see Surfing Mel, would you?" He turned his attention to the youngest.   
Virgil shrugged. "Well, he _does_ have a website."  
"Oh, he has a website!" Logan nodded. "I see, the dentist for the techno age! With his earring, his cutoff jeans and his surfboard."  
"Oh, God!" Patton dropped her spoon back into her bowl.   
"It's all right, they're only raisins." Logan reassured her. 

Patton shook her head. "No, no, no - my filling's fallen out..."  
"Oh, really?" Logan tried not to smirk. "Which one?"  
Patton offered him a glare. "The new one."  
Logan only nodded. "Oh, the new one?"  
"Could you have a look?" Patton asked, pouting a little. 

Logan shook his head. "I could but I'm not your dentist any more, am I?" He went back to his cereal.   
"Oh, for god sake, Lo, this is no time to behave like... Well, like you always do." Patton told him.   
"Don't come running to me, Surfing Mel botched it, Surfing Mel can fix it." Logan replied with a smirk.   
Patton shook her head. "I don't believe this." She walked out of the room, Logan on her tail.   
"Where are you going?"   
"Your idea - Surfing Mel can fix it."  
Logan followed her as she grabbed her jacket and made for the door. "Shouldn't you make an appointment?"

"Oh, don't worry!" Patton smiled, pulling her jacket on. "That's the great thing about Mel. He's _always_ got time for me~"  
Logan shook his head as his wife left the house, turning back into the kitchen. "Is that defecating rodent still here?" He asked, angry.   
"All right, I was going anyway." Remus stood, putting the magazine down and walking out. 

\------------

"You knew." Logan accused his assistant while she was cleaning the counters.   
She shrugged. "Was it a secret?"  
"The idea that my wife is seeing another dentist behind my back isn't exactly something I'm proud of." He reminded her, shaking his head. "How did you find out?"  
"The hygienists' grapevine."  
"They've got a grapevine?" He joked.   
She rolled her eyes. "I don't just clean teeth, you know? Must be embarrassing to be the last one to know."

"Tell me one thing he's got that I haven't."  
"Charm, good looks, politeness, sensitivities, really goo-"  
He frowned. "I said one."

\------------

Logan walked downstairs that night to see Remus, still awake, on the computer.   
His son chuckled as he typed.  
"Hey, shouldn't you be in bed?" Remus asked when he noticed his dad stood there.   
"Shouldn't you be in gainful employment?" Logan asked right back. He frowned, motioning to the stairs and walking over to the sofa where his son sat. "Go on. Get out, go on."

Remus grinned. "Ah, I get it, you want to borrow it!"  
"No, I do not want to borrow the laptop, _you're_ borrowing the laptop, it's _my_ laptop, now give it." He tried to take the laptop.   
"Just a sec, I'm still cyber-chatting to la belle Isabelle." Remus told him, pulling the laptop back.   
Logan sighed, sitting next to his son. "Remus, don't you think this is going to end in another humiliation?"  
"Dunno. You haven't told me what you're up to yet." Remus grinned. 

Logan glared at him. "Not me, you and this doomed relationship with Isa... bloke."  
"OK, I bet you 50 quid she's the girl from the magazine!" Remus wagered, holding his hand out.   
"Rem, you haven't _got_ 50 quid." But Logan shook his sons' hand anyway.   
"I will when I win the bet." He grinned, and Logan shook his head.   
He sighed. "How are you going to prove she is who she says she is?  
"Cos she's coming over." Remus shrugged, turning back to the computer.   
  
"What?" Logan asked, confused.   
"Just telling her where I live."  
Logan quickly grabbed the laptop. "Are you insane? You do _not_ put my address on the internet!"  
Remus grinned. "I like to live dangerously."  
"Yes, well, get out the way..." He looked back at the stairs, pushing his son over on the sofa. "I must get back before your mother misses me."  
"Plenty of time then." Remus went to grab the laptop again. 

Logan glared at him. "Cyber-shift your cyber-arse and let me get online."  
"You're already on."  
"Oh, yeah?"  
"What are you looking for?" His son asked, watching him struggle.  
"I do not need your help." Logan told him. "OK? I do not need your help..." The laptop beeped at him and he frowned. "Think I _might_ need your help." He tried to ignore his son's grin. "OK, so how, er... I'm looking for Surfing Mel's website, right?"

"That's a really good idea." Remus nodded. "What on earth for?"  
"Professional reasons." Logan told him, quietly. "How do you find a website?"  
Remus pointed to the screen. "Click on the search button, and type in a keyword."  
"What's a keyword?"  
"It's a word to do with your search subject." Remus explained. 

Logan nodded. "Right, OK. Let's try 'oral'." He typed it in, and his son's eyes went wide, looking at his father. "That might list him."  
"Uhh... I don't think that's a very good idea-" Remus muttered, watching his dad.   
"Look at this!" Logan laughed. "33,000 matches! Let's try 'oral contacts', that might list him?" He continued typing.   
Remus frowned. "Yeah, I think that-"  
"Shut up, shut up! I'm getting the hang of this!" Logan smiled, clicking on one of the results. His eyes went wide, and they both fell silent for a moment, slowly leaning back on the sofa to try and get further away from the screen. They both tilted their heads to one side at the same time, and then even further, before turning them the other way. "Phew! Good Lord!"

"Good going." Remus grinned.   
Logan frowned, pointing at the screen. "That can't be Surfing Mel..."  
"You'd better hope it's not."  
Patton spotted the two sat on the sofa with the laptop, and walked over behind them, seeing them tilt their heads at the screen. "Someone you know?" She asked, causing the two men to jump, surprised. Remus quickly closed the laptop, and Logan put his head in his hands. "Is this how you spend your time?"  
"It's, erm..." Remus looked to his dad, unsure what to say.  
  
Logan shook his head. "It's what?"  
"It's father and son bonding." Remus spoke up, and his dad groaned, putting his head in his hands once more.   
"No, those definitely weren't two men." Patton reminded them sarcastically.   
Logan shook his head, turning to face his wife. "It's not what you think it is, Patton."  
"Pathetic, is what I think it is." Patton shrugged. "Though Remus has the excuse of being emotionally retarded."

Remus grinned at that. "Cheers, Mum." He grabbed his jumper from the side of him and stood. "Yeah, well, I expect you two want to be alone." He pointed to his father. "It's all his fault!" And he rushed off upstairs to his room.   
"It's all a mistake. I was just looking for matey's website - your dentist - to see what I was up against-" Logan began.  
"I always thought explaining a mistake was meant to make it look better?" Patton joked.   
Logan frowned, closing the laptop again. "Look, Since you're so good at explaining, explain some things to me."  
"Like what?" Patton walked round the front of the sofa, perching on the arm. 

"Like; how you forgot to tell me about your little dental adventure?" Logan asked, facing his wife.   
Patton rolled her eyes. "Honestly, it's not like I'm having an affair."  
"Patton, he's an Australian!" Logan reminded her, sounding scandalised. "He'll have anything in a dress..."  
Patton raised a brow, and Logan knew he'd stepped in it. " _Anything_ in a dress?"  
"Er, perhaps if you went out and came in again..." Logan trailed off, pointing to the stairs. 

"So I'm anything in a dress?" Patton asked, folding her arms.   
"You'll soon forget I said this." Logan tried to blag.   
"Anything in a dress."  
Logan sighed. "I didn't think so."  
Patton tutted, standing and folding her arms. "I don't know which is more insulting - that I'm 'anything in a dress', or that I'd fall for a _dentist_ a second time."

"That's the point! He is _a_ dentist. I'm _the_ dentist!" Logan told her. "If you'd come to me, none of this would've happened!"  
Patton shook her head. "That's you all over. Whatever the problem, whatever happens, it is never, ever your fault."  
"You know whose fault it is?"  
"Whose?"  
"That bloody rabbit!" Logan stood. "Ever since it moved in there's been nothing but trouble!" He stormed to the stairs, and Patton rolled her eyes, waiting until he was gone, she opened the laptop, tilting her head at the screen as she watched. She pressed pause, and smiled to herself. 

\-----------

"You can see why I'm hurt, can't you?" Patton asked the rabbit, as she sat with a cup of tea. "I'm a high-powered career woman and a gourmet cook and, above all, I'm a realist and, realistically speaking, he's a pig-headed... pig." She frowned. "Oh, I know you'll say that sounds judgemental, but what am I supposed to do? God gave me good judgement."  
"Mum?" Virgil walked up.   
Patton smiled from her spot on the floor in front of the sofa. "Oh, hello, Virgil."  
"Are you and Dad getting divorced?" Virgil asked. 

Patton stood, frowning at her youngest son. "What on earth gave you that idea?"  
"I heard you arguing last night." Virgil shrugged. "And the night before."  
"All parents argue." She explained.   
He looked confused. "Why?"  
"Well... it's a way of finding out how we both feel and, once we've done that, things are easier."

He raised a brow. "How do you mean, 'easier'?"  
"Well, easier for me to prove your father wrong." She smirked.   
"So... it's not serious?" He asked.   
"No."  
"But you were talking to a rabbit." Virgil pointed to Hannibal. Of course the kid would come up with a name like that...

"Sometimes it helps to talk things through with a disinterested party." Patton shrugged.   
Virgil nodded a little. "Like when Neil Parry's parents went to see a counsellor?"  
Patton smiled. "Yes, exactly."  
"They got divorced."  
Patton rolled her eyes. "We're not getting a divorce."  
"His mum got the children."  
"We're _definitely_ not getting a divorce." She said with finality. 

"Neil says it's great! Every time he sees his dad he gets taken to Alton Towers-"  
"Logan!" Patton shouted, wanting her son to stop talking. 

\------------  
  
"There you are, Virgil." Patton walked into the lounge, seeing Virgil stroking Hannibal. "Now, just so that you understand, your father's going to explain what happened. Logan."  
"Why should I explain? You'll only interrupt." Logan sighed.   
Patton frowned. "I interrupt when you digress."  
"I do not digress, you digress."  
"I do not digress, I build a framework." Patton shrugged.   
Logan shook his head. "A framework? It's like a bloody scaffold."

"Call me when you're ready." Virgil pushed himself up.   
"Virgil, sit down." Patton told her son. "Logan."  
Logan cleared his throat, putting his hands in his pockets. "Ahem. All right, Virgil, the thing is, your mother has been very silly." Logan began, and Patton glared at him. "She's been seeing another dentist-" He sat down next to Virgil, and Patton sat the other side.   
"What he _means_ to say, is he's being arrogant and not seeing any other point of view-"  
"Or, more simply, your mother thinks she's always right. When, in fact, she's always wrong-"  
"Although how would he know anything when he spends all his time with his patients and lets his family go to pot-"

"Whereas your mother thinks that money grows on trees and new handbags sprout little legs, magically leave the shop and enter your house." Logan glared at hid wife.   
"Whilst your father, although a dentist, believes children's teeth are repaired by the tooth fairy, if he ignores them for years!" Patton smirked.   
Virgil glanced between his two parents, not knowing what to do, so just sitting quiet so they could argue it out. Logan chuckled. "Despite all this, she knows she'll never find as big a sucker as me."  
"He knows he'll never find anyone else who'll have him." Patton folded her arms.   
Logan smiled. "That's why we're not getting divorced."  
  
Virgil looked at them both, uncomfortable. "Thanks, Mum. Thanks, Dad... I'll sleep easy tonight." He quickly got up, leaving the room with a shake of his head.   
"Oh, Roman's back home early from the dentist?" Patton looked to her son as he walked in, hanging his coat up.   
Logan chuckled. "Well. He's probably got a drive-thru." He smirked at his wife, who rolled her eyes. "Ya know, 'One crown, two bridgework, you want fries with that'?"  
"Hello, Roman." Patton smiled at her daughter as she walked over. "How was your McCheckup?"  
"McShite." Roman frowned, flopping down into the chair.   
Patton frowned. "Why, what happened?"

"I walked out. The man's a total git." Roman shrugged, obviously unhappy.   
Logan fake-gasped. "Don't talk about your mother's boyfriend like that!"  
"Shut up." Patton warned him. "Roman, what happened?"  
Roman shook his head, folding his arms. "I was sitting in the chair and he... We were just talking, he seemed so nice. I can't even think about it..."  
Patton looked concerned now, and both parents shuffled up on the sofa, sitting up properly. "Roman, you can tell us." Her and Logan shared a worried look. 

"He started telling me a story..."  
Logan raised a brow. "What kind of story?"   
"The story about the kitten who didn't floss." Roman pouted, and his parents stared at him.   
"The kitten who didn't floss?" Patton asked, confused.   
Logan nodded. "Yeah, it ends up with lots of cavities, it's a good story."

"Yeah, it's a children's story." Roman told them, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Mel thinks I'm a child, so he's just like you, dad." He pointed to his parents, pushing himself out of his chair. "It makes me want to throw up!"  
Logan frowned. "What do you mean he's just like me?"  
"Roman, these things happen." Patton told him. "But remember, we'll always be here for you, won't we, Lo?"  
"Er, yeah, yeah. It's a bit inconvenient but I can fit you in, what... three o'clock, Monday?" Logan asked, and Patton smiled at him.   
"You see, he does care."  
Roman rolled his eyes. "Lucky me." He mumbled, heading off upstairs, but stopped when the doorbell rang. He sighed, heading to the door and opening it. 

"Hello." A girl stood there, her accent was french.   
"Yes?" Roman asked, raising a brow.   
The girl looked confused. "Reemie?"  
"Reemie?" Roman furrowed his brows.  
"Yes, Reemie...?"  
"Rem..." He nodded, motioning for her to come in. "Remus, yes. Hang on, come in. Remus, someone to see you!" He shouted up the stairs, closing the door and turning back to the girl and eyeing her up and down. "Are you Isabelle?"  
"Yes." She nodded. "Reemie has talked about me?"

Roman huffed. "Yeah, endlessly." He motioned for her to follow him, and he took her into the lounge. "Mum, Dad, this is Isabelle."  
"Nice to meet you." Patton smiled, and without even looking to her husband; "Logan, close your mouth."  
"Hello. Enchantee." Isabelle greeted them, shaking their hands.   
"Yes, well, Sunderland's on the up and up..." Logan joked.   
She smiled. "I'm pleased to meet you."

Remus came to the bottom of the stairs, smiling. "Hello."  
"Hello." She nodded.   
"We meet at last!" He walked over.   
She looked confused. "I have come to see Reemie?"  
"Yep, I'm Reemie." He grinned that usual grin. 

She frowned. "You... are... Reemie?"  
"I know I don't look like my picture but- Ow!" He held a hand to his cheek where she slapped him.   
"Mais pour qui tu m'as pris! Tu vas le payer, salopard!" She stormed out.   
Remus nodded, looking to the others. "So that was, erm... My internet girlfriend." He grinned. "Bloody gorgeous, wasn't she?"  
"How did you do it?" Logan asked, completely dumbfounded. 

Roman smirked. "You pretended to be a fit guy."  
"Well, not exactly." Remus shrugged.   
"You didn't...?" Logan stared at him. " _Yes_ , you did, you pretended to be a woman!"  
Remus grinned. "Yeah, and it nearly worked!"  
Logan was almost laughing now. "What do you _mean_ , It nearly worked?! It didn't work! There was no _way_ it was gonna work!"  
"It was worth the risk."  
Logan shook his head. "You're such a loser."

"Me?" Remus chuckled. "You're the one who owes me 50 quid." Logan's smile fell as Remus patted him on the shoulder and Roman burst out laughing. "Cash, mate, no cheques."  
Logan laughed, looking to Patton. "Our son has just come out. As a _lesbian_."  
Patton giggled. "But that won't change the way we feel about him."  
"Believe me, Patton, nothing could ever change that." Logan shook his head in exasperation. 


End file.
